Grief came to visit
GRIEF came to visit a few days ago and to make matters worse he brought EXHAUSTION, the kind of fatigue that causes the world to swirl as I sink further away. I STRUGGLE to hold my head up, to keep my teary eyes open. Deep in the back of mind, I am reminded all those who say I am a STRONG. Do they not know how some days I can barely BREATHE? The maniacal laughter of DOUBT rises from my soul as I remember a recent splurge of DISTRACTION. Drawn by the allure of my roots, I played one of those silly online quizzes to uncover my Celtic name.
I am certain Boudicca would be DISAPPOINTED. I feel nothing like a Celtic warrior. The lingering thoughts of FAILURE of all those I have let down wiggle to the surface. I want to rise up and fight the INVASION, but I have absolute zero ENERGY left to do so. I WORRY about the ways I am not enough for my husband, my kids.
Then somewhere from deep inside me my own words come back to HAUNT me.
Be gentle and kind to yourself.
I may not be a warrior, but in the moment, those appear to be wise words. I CHOOSE to EMBRACE them. I don’t plan away the seconds, and I am PRESENT in the moments of our ordinary day – a day scarred by GRIEF and EXHAUSTION. I CHOOSE not to listen to the enemy’s LIES.
Eventually, I do the only thing that makes any sense. I CRY out to God. I lift an OFFERING of EMPTINESS. Empty hands and lifted face pour out a heart that hurts. And as much as a warrior I am NOT, he is – a LEGION of comforters at the ready.
My daily bread.
My nothing is transformed into his SOMETHING.
It is the SMALL that I find the IMMENSE. God is present in it all.
A phone call from a friend who just “knew” I needed encouragement – RE-ENERGIZES and REFRESHES. A card from a coworker ACKNOWLEDGES the pain and reminds me that many are PRAYING. A Facebook message WHISPERS – God loves you!
I LIFT empty hands and DISCOVER God’s hands are not empty because I am CRADLED there, rocked gently by his LOVE. Even though GRIEF came to visit, God PROVIDED the comfort to ask the houseguest to leave.
And for me that is MORE than ENOUGH.