Happy Birthday, Sunshine!

Dear Reed –

Here we are again celebrating your life and the day God gave us you. Today, my Facebook memories popped up with pictures of you only a few days old.  I looked at the photos and my heart stopped. Momentarily I was transported back to when we brought you home.  I was so proud to be your mom, but I was also worried I wouldn’t know what to do. Scared I wouldn’t get this motherhood thing right. Delighted my dream came true, but equally terrified that I wouldn’t be enough. As I stared into the pictures, you were so tiny, and I marveled at every part of you.  Just looking at the pictures took my breath away. As I looked at the picture of you and me, I wanted to tell the younger version of myself to never let you go because the time we will share together would never be enough. 

Even though I cannot call you up and hear your voice, I still think about your perspective on life and how you might view things.  This past year has been exceptionally challenging for me, and there were so many times where I was disappointed in how mean and cruel people can be. I just simply will never understand when people spew meanness because someone has a different opinion than theirs.  In every moment of despair, I remembered a conversation that you and I shared just a week before you returned to heaven.  In our chat, you told me, “Mom, it’s not going to be long now.”  Thinking you were talking about getting home, I thought you were correct because we were only a few blocks from home.  But when I inquired what you meant, I marveled at how someone who came into the world looking like a little old man could also have in twelve years acquired the sage wisdom of an old soul.  “Mom, I mean it’s not going to be long before Jesus comes back.” 

My heart broke then because your assessment was based on the sadness and trials you perceived in the world.  If you saw the dividedness and incivility now, I can only imagine the weight of sadness you would carry for the world.  But what faith that you believed with all your heart that hope exists!  You always believed in a better world and through your actions, you strove to make the world a better place. I genuinely wish more people could live like you – just loving people for who they are, even when they weren’t always kind to you in return. 

Tonight, I wanted to celebrate doing something you loved; so, we chose to go to the Canaries game because you LOVED baseball.  What blew me away was right there at the ball park; someone extended a kindness that was exactly like something you would do.  I explained the significance of our outing and asked for a picture of our group with Cagey, the mascot. Upon hearing the story, I received the biggest hug which was amazingly similar to one of your sneaky squeezes.  So even in a world where I don’t hear your name as much as my soul needs, a baseball mascot gave me a squeeze and recognized that if nothing else, my momma heart needed a hug.  You were always my sunshine, and tonight that sunshine came wrapped up in yellow canary feathers because he was right.  A hug was exactly what I needed. 

Even if my arms cannot hold you, my heart always will, and I will always be your Momma.

I will always love you.

Happy Birthday, Reed!

Love, Mom