To everything there is a season
Ecclesiastes 3 is foundation for the title today. This set of verses in Ecclesiastes has always been one of my favorites. I love those verses so much that a dear friend gave them to me on a plaque that hangs in my dining room. I have welcomed the literal change of seasons in southwestern Minnesota, especially in relation to my gardens. The verses have been a soothing balm when I have, often in retrospect, applied them to my children’s growth and maturity or even to the loss or waning of friendships. But just this morning, God laid them on my heart because of something big that is occurring in my life tomorrow.
If I were completely honest, I wrestled with God on this blog. I just wanted to go forward with the least amount of people knowing. God, however, had other ideas. I have learned over the years that when God stirs me, I should act.
For years, I have struggled with reproductive health issues. Given that I have had three midterm miscarriages, years of health struggles and a personal family history of many hysterectomies in their 30’s, I shouldn’t be that surprised. In my head, I know that my procedure tomorrow is medically necessary, but in my heart I am not ready for that season to come to end.
Thankfully, my procedure is much less intense than a complete hysterectomy, but it does mark the end of my ability to bear children, which was growing up one of my two life goals. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and to be a teacher. Thank goodness – I have a husband who understood my goals, because we discussed raising kids on our first date. (And he DIDN’T run for the hills!)
Telling my head and my body (which is tired of being tired and anemic) that I need this procedure is one thing. Convincing my heart is another matter entirely. Birthing more children has not been on our agenda at all, but when the reality of the end loomed, my heart ached.
I am grateful to close friends and family for their advice and love over the last week and half. A few have had the same, similar or larger procedures. Not one has poo-pooed my feelings, and actually most have shared they experienced the same. One friend even went so far as to say that most women have a long period of time to adjust to that idea, but it is as if the doctors slammed the door on me. Her words were prophetic, speaking exactly what my heart was feeling. Two friends, who know me very well, went out of their way to call and encourage to not delay because their procedures were the best things they had done for themselves in years. Offers for help with the kids, help for me, and of course, prayers came pouring in as well.
Through their kindnesses, I have seen God’s message of love. My friends don’t want to see me suffer through anymore. They don’t want to see me miss out on things because I am either tired or afraid to go out because there might be “accidents”. I think instinctively they knew that due to losing four of our own children this would be a BIG deal to me. Even more than all of that, they know (sometimes more than I know) that God has plans for me and my life, and often my health gets in the way.
So today, while I know that my heart is going to need some time to adjust, I am not going to mope or be fearful. I realize after God’s reminder of these verses this morning that he is the Creator of all things, including the inspiration for medical procedures that do indeed transform lives. Also, I see through my friends and family that God’s love is all over this transition in my life.
I really didn’t want to write this blog, but God reminded of how many years I suffered in silence. This most private of topics was something that I didn’t want to air publicly, but God said since when has that stopped me. He was right, of course, because I have no problem sharing deeply about my grief, loss, and faith. Why would my health be any different? I didn’t want to share that I am vulnerable and that I might need help, but when I did, many stepped up and offered it. Even my fears for the procedure itself were laid to rest by the sweet surgeon’s reassurances echoed by the same day surgery nurse.
Yes, a season of my life is coming to an end, but I know, I KNOW, that God has something amazing waiting in store for me at the beginning of my new SEASON.
LOVE NOTE: Our physical needs have been graciously attended for the next several days, but all prayers will be coveted!