Happy birthday, Reed!

Happy heavenly birthday!  I can hardly believe that 29 years ago at this moment as we settled into our first night together at the hospital – you with your new world and me with my new name that this is how I would spend your most of your birthdays.  Your birthday was one of the hardest physical, and yet happiest days of my life.  The old adage that you forget all about the pain the moment you hold that little baby in your arms is undeniably true. I often wonder if I knew the true depth of pain that was coming what, but definitely never if, would I have done differently. 

The “would” comes from another true adage that the first time you become a mom, you realize that no how-to manual was given to you.  You learn really quickly that being a mom is exceptionally challenging, but even knowing the ending, I would have never wanted to miss the time that I did get to share with you.

Even though I would have much rather celebrated with you turning the same age as one of your grandmothers this year with you, we chose to live like you today because the reality is they don’t give manuals for when your baby is born, and they certainly don’t give them out when your sweet amazing boy passes away.  As the sun rose, I posted a birthday message with the P!nk song “When I get there” because it always makes me think of you when it comes on. Every time it does; I am moved to tears – not a great look when you are sitting a stoplight.

In the comments, Sawyer’s godmother who loved you, too, with all her heart posted this message.

Reading through the comments, hers just reached out and grabbed my heart.  We’ve always had a deep connection, and she spoke the words I needed to hear because she understands that heaven really isn’t that far away, and in so many, many ways touches Earth. 

Our first choice for the day was ADVENTURE . . . more on that in moment, but on our drive over, Clo started some tunes on her phone.  We were listening to songs on her normal playlist, when all of sudden a familiar song came on.  Not just any song, but one of your favorites.  Thanks for that! As tears ran down my cheeks, I sang with all my heart, knowing you were right there riding along, if nothing more than in my heart. Heaven felt really close in that moment.

Despite the rain, which always feels so befitting on your birthday, almost as if nature is crying with me, we arrived at our adventure choice, and I will admit we were there for quite a while before I realized how truly perfect this choice was.  We attended Curd Fest at the Redhead Creamery.  Yep, you read that right.  We chose to do something fun just to remember you, and we would pick the one event that was truly fitting.  I will never forget the moment that I first held you and my astonishment to see that after finally deciding your name and learning that our family name meant redhaired and to discover this tiny little seven pound nothing baby came into the world with the most beautiful red curls.  Although the music at the Fest was outstanding, I also couldn’t help but giggle thinking of the time you serenaded Sawyer at his birthday party nonetheless with your first song – I love you.  I loooooooovvvveee you. I love you like a cheese sandwich.  Oh, and you’ll never believe it, we also were able to buy today Huckleberry soda.  So, attending a festival dedicated to cheese, great food, cool vendors and good music ended up being nothing short of perfect.

We couldn’t really enjoy the lake, and thus, Erin had the perfect idea, let’s go bowling.  That was something you kids always enjoyed, and while we were bowling, we shared some of the stories of past times.  Her suggestion to go to the lanes reminded me of all the times we would go as a family, but also the times we had the chance to stop by when you all went to Marshall Bowl for school.  And that is one of the crazy things about grief, even something as simple as bowling comes wrapped with all sorts of amazing memories that bring such joy, but there is always a tiny tug that reminds my heart we don’t and won’t get to do that with you ever again.

Of course, the final plan for the day was ice cream for supper to really celebrate like you which Sawyer called to confirm we were doing because in his words that was the Reed special.  We gathered up for a photo of all of us, but watching your sweet little niece enjoy her ice cream, I had to chuckle.  Although she had sprinkles, she had “white” which was pretty close to your standard order of “white with nothing on it”. 

While I thought that was going to be the end of our special moments today, there was one more touch from heaven.  Another one of your adopted nieces whose birthday is a couple days after yours received an early gift of flower boxes for fairy gardens – I know another one of your favorites.  I told her brother, who happens to be your namesake that this year I have decided to add to the gnome and fairy gardens and make a dinosaur garden.  His eyes immediately lit up!  I told him I hadn’t made it yet to which he instantly offered his expertise.  After our ice cream, we rode back to the lake place, and as soon as we got off the golf cart, Keaghen Reed, said “Grammy, let’s make that dinosaur garden.”  We couldn’t tonight because we didn’t have all the pieces, but in the moment, that didn’t matter because even though as much as us moms wish we could go back in time, we cannot.  Yet, standing there dreaming up ideas for the dinosaur garden with KR felt like I was transported back to when you and I shared all kinds of ideas for your love of dinosaurs. 

Not that long ago, I saw a post on social media that some folks I know and love were talking about heaven and their interpretation and the comments from people who have been in our home and whom we have loved on their children felt like a gut punch.  I instantly cried from what felt like being stabbed in the heart, but then to be very honest, I felt relieved and sad for them.  Relieved that they had never lost a child and would never know a pain so unimaginable to not even have name for that depth of loss in most languages. Sad for them as they don’t possess a faith, even a childlike faith, that can feel and see divine interactions and who can audaciously believe like our pastor says, “God is crazy cool like that”. 

As another birthday goes by and my heart continues to ache from missing you, I know confidently that all the days, but especially today, heaven truly isn’t that far away.

Loving you always until I hug you again!

Love, Momma

P.S. Give the world’s most perfect dog, Huck, a hug from me because I miss him every day too.