Go for the Gold

Dear Reed –

Oh, what a day! How can it be 18 years? Just like much of this day, two things can be simultaneously true at the same time. Every minute of those eighteen years seem like both a blink and a lifetime ago.  That duality punctuated every moment of this day.  The heaviness of the grief of losing Aunt Nernie a day before your heaven date lingered into today and for much of the morning, I honestly felt like I was drowning, every cell in my body ached from a raw, visceral grief.

So many things happened in her final days that I have to believe they all contributed to her peace in the final moments. I am certain having her sons and grandchildren all be present in those moments were contributing factors in the peace of knowing it was okay to say her final earthly goodbye, but in the love that we share, I believe that she also chose to spare me the agony of losing you both on the same day.  I am not sure I would have survived that, but I rejoice knowing that she had that fourth hug waiting for you.  I hope she fills you full of all the stories of love we shared through the years and all the things she has watched your siblings do over time.  I will admit to being a bit jealous thinking of those amazing hugs that you always gave, and not being the one on the receiving end. 

I spent much of the morning waffling between crying and just resting, knowing that is what my body and soul needed. Grief is a demanding companion, and most days, grief just makes me bone-tired weary.  But even before we knew that Nernie’s time was running out, I knew that today would be the Olympic women’s hockey final.  The Olympics were always our shared experience, and I still honor you every time by watching and thinking of the memories we shared.  I remember how you convinced me to stay up late those summer Olympics in 2004 when I was still pregnant with Cloie.  After getting the other kids to bed, you and I would cuddle up in our room and watch the footage from Athens.  You would snuggle in close and put your hand on my tummy, just to feel your little baby sister doing her own flip turns and gymnastics in utero.  Your whole face would light up as soon as you would feel her move, while also cheering on your favorite swimmers, track stars, and gymnasts.

So, my plan for today, your heaven date, was to wear my necklace with your image so that your would be as close to my heart as your memories are in it.  Together we would cheer those incredible athletes on.  Knowing you have Canadian heritage but also how you are 100% Team USA would have made this a thrilling watch together.  Just the “two” of us, I cuddled in to watch the game and hold the memories of our shared love of Olympic viewing.  Numerous times, I reached up to grab the necklace as it was the closest thing to holding your hand.  I will admit as the game progressed and the Canadian women played one heck of a game, I was getting a bit nervous.  I imagined your nervous energy and your exuberant cheering.  I will admit to more than once uttering, “C’mon, Reed, can you give them a cheer from your seat?, hoping that would be the boost they needed. When the tie-it-up goal happened with less than two minutes left in the third period, I believed this was it.  This was going to be their moment. When the winning goal happened, I was in tears again.  Tears of joy for the American team but also tears of remembering what was and tears for what will never be again.  But in those three periods and overtime, time was suspended as if for that brief moment we shared love across time and space. 

While the day started with an overwhelming grief that threatened to consume me, as the day is drawing to a close, new memories were made, surrounded by Erin and Grant and girls (and Jacki) while we ate and laughed and played.  The best part was playing with the Toy Story toys, especially your Woody.  Then more joy was made when watching the girls light up when Sawyer and Sydney called with the baby.  Seeing the girls smile and say, “Hi, baby” while playing with your toys, reminded me that there will never be a day when they don’t know you, as we all will tell them all about their uncle who loved Toy Story, Star Wars, football, Legos, superheroes, and the Olympics. But more importantly, he would LOVE them all infinitely more.

Through every tear and smile today, I felt surrounded by the love of so many, which also gives me hope that all those folks will also make sure that ALL your nieces and nephews will always know you and know how deeply you loved others. 

I hope you gave Nernie one of those famous “squeeze the stuffins out of you” hugs when she got there, and I hope you know that I will always and forever be holding up my end of the bargain of cheering on Team USA in the Olympics.

Loving you now and always, here and there, forever.

Love, Mom